Grace in the Middle of Loss

This will be brief because I really cannot say a lot right now.

Jeff and I lost our baby this morning. I woke up sick to my stomach and in a lot of pain with of course other symptoms that indicated what was happening. We went to the clinic, saw a nurse midwife there, had an uncomfortable ultrasound, and received devastating news from people who deal with this kind of thing every day. That was incredibly horrible. Difficult beyond words.

I called my mother and sobbed my eyes out with her on the phone. She recommended that I not spend the day alone, and so I called and spent the day with my friend Rachel and her children, including her 4 month old baby. Holding him was actually soooo soothing to me, I was grateful that she didn't turn me down for fear that seeing him would cause me pain. We went for a walk in the sunshine, and it felt good to have some "normal," moments in my day, interspersed with moments that I could cry. And Rachel made sure that I knew I could cry as much as I needed. Jeff had to work all day after that awful appointment, and I could not even imagine having to do so.

We are going to take time to grieve, rather than try again right away. We are surrounded by a loving church community. Every moment today I felt so grateful that Jeff and I did make the decision that we would share news of our pregnancy right away, because if it did end in miscarriage, it would allow our church to be the church in our lives, and be an instrument of grace that we cannot even comprehend (but we can feel.) I cannot imagine going through this right now if no one had known we were pregnant in the first place.

We are hurting, but we are aware of God's grace, mercy, and compassion in this very dark hour.