Friday, August 14, 2009

an ee cummings kind of day

dying is fine) but Death
ee cummings

dying is fine)but Death


wouldn't like

Death if Death

when(instead of stopping to think)you

begin to feel of it,dying
's miraculous

cause dying is

perfectly natural;perfectly
it mildly lively(but


is strictly
& artificial &

evil & legal)

we thank thee
almighty for dying
(forgive us,o life!the sin of Death

When I learned about this poem in a lit analysis class, I learned something that made me love it. ee cummings cheated death by leaving off the closing parentheses. The poem is about how everyone and everything is "dying," but death (in its finality) is cold.

Today has been a day that has been strangely about death. First of all, last night we found out with some finality that we are definitely not pregnant. We only recently were trying, so it's not like I truly expected to be pregnant right off the bat, but my body played some cruel games with me in the beginning that made me think I might be pregnant. The ensuing roller coaster ride ended last night right before I went to sleep, and I woke up just feeling sad and kind of bleak. Not being pregnant was way more disappointing than I even thought it could be, and we're only at the beginning! I felt like I was grieving something I'd lost without ever having.

I had a pretty horrid migraine all day, which made it even harder. I called my mom today to talk to her about it, and learned that Travis - a guy that I had gone to high school with; an all around great guy who loved his wife and his kids and was known for just having a heart to serve people - passed away yesterday. He was on his motorcycle, and was hit by a car that turned without paying attention to where he was. He was hit while on the way to a funeral. My favorite bus driver from high school, one of my dad's friends from growing up, passed away with Lou Gherig's disease this last weekend. Doug was an incredibly talented musician. He put together a Christmas cd with my Jazz Choir in high school. I still have it. To think of Travis dying on the way to go commemorate Doug's life is just horrid. I did not even know him that well, my mom knew him better than I did, because when she went back to college (same time I did), she had classes with him and spend a good bit of time with him. But when someone you know vaguely dies, it is somehow stranger and harder to comprehend than when someone you're close to dies.

All day I felt like there was this weight on me that could not be lifted. I just felt physically exhausted, and emotionally lethargic, too. I was listening to my brother's CD (From the Depths of the Earth), and that was good, but every time I started to feel uplifted I just felt slammed all over again. Then, I came home for lunch, and I didn't really even do anything proactive in fighting off the strange feelings of the day, but on my way back to work, finally found myself smiling out of nowhere. In my head (and coming out of my mouth, as all things stuck in my head eventually do) were the lyric's to the song "Anymore (Rachel's Song)," off of From the Depths of the Earth.

Anymore (Rachel's Song)

I think it's funny how life don't quite work out like you'd hope
And it's never quite as easy as you think
And it's never quite as hard as it seems
But it's always sweeter than the dream

Peace flows like a river
I will sing for the joy of the Lord has come
Mercy flows over my soul
And I just can't maintain control anymore

A hedge about me and a shield all around me
I will take what You bring, the cup that You have for me
For You call me unto holiness
For You call me unto holiness

Peace flows like a river
I will sing for the joy of the Lord has come
Mercy flows over my soul
And I just can't maintain control anymore

Hallelujah, I will fear not, for the righteous they will not be shaken!

© Aaron Santor 2009

ee cummings did not seem to know that even in death, 2 Corinthians 1:3 will always ring true. Life has hard aspects to it, and hard moments, and some moments much harder than others. But in the midst of all of that God really longs to wrap His peace around us, pour it out over us. God is the comforter to the lonely, the father to the fatherless, and the lifter of our heads. I'm so grateful that God took my day from "dying is fine) but death," all the way to "mercy flows over my soul, and I just can't maintain control anymore."

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